Thursday, January 30, 2014

Ten Reasons the Internet Should Stop Making Up Dumb Lists

Oh the joys of the internet during pregnancy. Every other day I come accross an article telling me the "10 Essentials for New Parents" or the "Seven Things No New Mom Should Be Without".  It's a good thing I don't rely on those lists for actual information about what to buy for a new baby, because if I did I would end up with three pairs of designer shoes, an organic water bottle, and no diapers whatsoever.

But then I recently came across a website claiming to have advice for tall expectant parents. You know, things like which glider to buy, what strollers work best for longer strides, and where to find tall maternity clothes. I won't link to that site because it was full of crap. The other sites I've read sort of amused me, but this one just plain angered me.

So, you're 5'7" huh? Newsflash sweetie: You're not tall. Those pants you love come in a 34 inch inseam? Talk to me when you find something with at least a 36" inseam, because a 34 is pathetic highwater nonsense on someone who is ACTUALLY TALL. 34? Pfft.

Oh, so you think because I'm tall I need a glider with a bigger seat? I'm sorry, you may be confusing "tall" with "large bummed". (Don't worry, stranger things happen. Payless, for example, seems to equate "large feet" with "octogenarian". ) But, really, what tall people need in a nursery chair is something they can stand up out of while holding a sleeping baby. In other words, the seat needs to be higher off the ground, bucko. Not bigger, higher.

And your big tip for tall pregnant women is to buy maxi dresses? Really? Darling, where exactly do you expect us to find all of these mythical dresses which are long enough on us not to look like we accidentally shrunk them in the wash? Also, have you never heard of business appropriate attire? You know, the kind of things those of us with soul sucking office jobs have to wear everyday, pregnant or not? Because if your advice on that is truly to just "buy more expensive brands, they are often longer", I need you to come over here and repeatedly smack your head against the wall for me. "Often longer"? By how much, an inch? Gee, thanks. I'll go right out and max my credit card for that one extra inch, so that I can look like I shrunk my clothes only two times, instead of three. Good thing I have tall friends like you to help me out. What's that? You can't reach the formula on the top shelf of the grocery store? Oh honey.


And for those of you who are tall and looking for maternity advice, here's what I've got: nothing. But at least I'm being honest about it. I hear there are some stellar water bottles out there to keep you hydrated while breastfeeding, though.

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