Monday, April 1, 2013

In like a lion, out like a P.O.S.

Eff you, March. Eff you.

First of all, you were supposed to bring me some spring, you little A-hole. Instead, you snowed all over the place and were colder than freaking February. Listen, you little twit, February gets a pass because she's brings me roses and chocolate. You get no such pass, March.

Also, you should know that a trip to the ER does not qualify as a legitimate substitute for spring. Is it exciting? Yes. It is also horrifying and painful. And just so we're clear, you sniveling little worm, I do not need any more miscarriages. Got it, fart face?

Oh, and then there were the cherry blossoms. Except, no. No there weren't because you didn't deliver them, you fungal infection in the big toe of life. Peak bloom was supposed to come during the last week of March. You know what I got during the last week of March, you turd-ball of a month?

A ROOT CANAL! You puppy killing bag of lice and vomit. I hate you to the depths of my soul. What, you thought going four days and five nights without sleep in extreme and unrelenting pain would be...romantic? A real thrill ride? Quaint? Well it wasn't, March. You know what it was, you rotting pile of garbage? Traumatizing.

Shall I list off all of the other little gems you gave me this year, March? Hmm? Shingles for my mother? Painful dental work for one sister and chest pains and an ambulance ride for the other? Not enough sugar to make brownies on Easter Sunday so we could finally break our no-baking lenten fast? I could go on, fat @ss, but I'll stop there.

So, in summary: March was a real b!^$* this year. Happy April, everybody!
Keep walking, March.

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