Friday, December 7, 2012

No More Mrs. Nice Christmas

Next year I am Christmassing the hell out of this place.

As per usual, this year I had my tree and village and nativity up right after my Thanksgiving nap. And when I have access to the pictures we took, I'll probably post them and we can all agree that my propensity to craft new decorations every year is equal parts unique and ridiculous. Meanwhile, a small rant.

My tree is fake. Fakety fake fake. It's lovely and proportional and perfectly green. For the last two years I have loved that plastic pine and felt more than a little sad to put the poor dear away come January. This year, though, I can see my neighbors' trees through their front windows, all real and imperfect and tree-sized. Then I get home to my tiny, plastic tree and I think "You suck, little tree." Even the clockwork ornaments and leather tree skirt are not enough to redeem the fact that it smells like nothing! I can smell the tree in apartment 1a when I walk through the freaking foyer, and there you sit, little tree, emitting ZERO odors! You suck, little tree. You suck.

Also, my village scene, while innovative and "different" is made of paper and contains no mulitcolored lights. "Multicolored lights?" you ask "Whyever would you want multicolored lights in your house?" And I have no response to that other than that I am sorry you were apparently born without a soul. (I'm looking at you, husband.)

And my nativity? It's this lovely little crystal thing with Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and three oddly Caucasian wise men. My brother gave it to me years ago and it is still as lovely and classy as it was then. It is also still totally lacking in the Shepherd/Angel category. It's is composed almost entirely of little rich white men, like the GOP of Christmas nativities.

Oh but next year. Next year, I tell you! I will get a real tree.  A huge, lopsided, REAL tree. And I will FLOCK that sucker. Oh yes! Fake snow up it's little wazzoo! And I will cover that thing in colored lights. Blue and red and pink and green and yellow and purple and awesome! And if I have to build it out of dried spaghetti and elastic bands, there will be a full angel/shepherd cohort attending the birth of little crystal Jesus.

(This is a pretty good imitation of what these rants of mine would look like in real life.)

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